Essential Resources on Health and Wellness from DiaMedica Publications

Excerpts from the Book

PARENTS AS “TEACHERS”
There are two types of people in this world, those who give and those who take. This book is about giving.

Of the noble professions, teaching may be the most noble of all. Teachers enter the lives of children at the most formative and critical times and dare to provide knowledge, direction, and support so as to allow children to grow, prosper, and realize their potentials, no matter what those may be. As a parent, you are your children’s first teacher, and the home is your children’s first classroom. And if you think about it, parenting is also somewhat like coaching. The successful coach is the coach who can motivate athletes to achieve their best performance. Similarly, the successful parent is the parent who can motivate their children to realize their full potential. Research on coaching and performance has found:

  1. the need to belong to a desired group (a need for affiliation) and
  2. the desire to be good at something (the need to excel) appear to be the best motivators.
  3. But a necessary skill in this pursuit is the ability to control stress so that one does not get “stressed out,” “psyched out,” or “burned out.” How many promising careers in academics, athletics, or even the performing arts were never realized because the person could not handle the stress and pressure associated with the pursuit? How many challenges were never undertaken because of the fear of failure? Remember that parents!

In this book, we will urge you, no, challenge you, to be the teacher/ coach your children need.

 

THE VALUE OF FRIENDSHIP

We have been discussing the nature of friendship, but does it have value beyond the intrinsic? What is the value of friendship? “Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it,” according to the philosopher Cicero.

Gerald Caplan once wrote, in his text “Preventive Psychiatry,” that a psychological crisis was a response to a stressful or traumatic event wherein your psychological defenses are overwhelmed, your usual coping mechanisms fail. During such instances as these, we are challenged beyond our ability to cope, thus it is usually prudent to seek support from others, perhaps friends. Indeed, research investigations have consistently shown that support, the support of family, friends, and co-workers is the single most effective means of enhancing resilience to stress. Thomas Moore once said, “To the soul, there is hardly anything more healing than friendship.” Perhaps more simply said, support from other people can help overcome even the most difficult of problems. When you are able to recruit the assistance of friends in virtually any endeavor, you are enlisting new perspectives on an issue that you may be too close to see any differently. You enlist greater objectivity, even creativity. Friends have a way of underscoring, even amplifying, your victories. Friends have a way of diffusing the angst of defeat. Joseph Addison noted, “Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.” True friends do not judge, they simply help…Remember, that’s just what friends do.

 

EARNING FRIENDSHIP
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. – Max Ehrmann

The support of others, especially in times of great need, is a precious commodity, but beyond family, often it must be earned. Working hard to earn the friendship of others is an investment in one’s own future, as well as the future of others. Here are some thoughts on how to create a network of interpersonal support and build friendships.

  • Friendship is based upon trust. Sometimes you must first trust the other person before you can expect them to trust you.
  • Friendship is based upon loyalty and fidelity. Promises don’t have expirations dates!
  • Friendship is based upon kindness. Show genuine kindness to others. People will judge you by the manner in which you treat others, for as you treat others, so you will treat them.
  • People will eventually hear whatever you say about them…say kind things, be complimentary whenever you can.
  • Remember, those who speak unkindly of others will speak unkindly of you. Those who ridicule others will ridicule you. One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. (from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People)
  • Friendship is based upon honoring others. One of the greatest gifts you can give another person is to honor them and help them feel important. Help that person be a “star,” help them shine.
  • Most importantly, friendship is based upon being of assistance when you are needed. Thus, friendship means assisting others in times of need and expecting nothing in return. Friendship means giving that which is difficult to give and to do so without resentment nor regret.

 

DEALING WITH GRIEF

As parents, we have an obligation to prepare our children for the inevitability of loss of friends and loved ones, and the grief that may be associated with it. Grief may be thought of as the sadness associated with loss. Most commonly, we associate grief with the loss of another person, but we may grieve other things as well. We may grieve the loss of a pet. We may grieve the loss of a role (mother or father, as children grow up and find lives of their own; employee, as we retire; athlete, as we lose certain athletic abilities with aging; even husband or wife, with divorce or death of a spouse).

Resilience in the face of loss is made easier by making sure there is no “unfinished business.” This is obviously most easily achieved when the loss is anticipated such as in retirement, children moving out on their own, terminal illnesses, etc.
 But even in situations where the loss cannot be anticipated, there are things we can teach children that will reduce the pain of grief.

First, have children focus on the positive aspects of the relationship that was lost. Have them focus upon the things they GAINED from the relationship, NOT what they LOST because the relationship is no longer there.

Second, foster focusing on the enduring positive aspects that are left behind such as experiences that were gained, lessons that were taught.

And third, do not focus on how the child can live WITHOUT the loss person or thing. Rather, help the child focus on how to live in the warmth of the memories, and lesson learned as a result of the person or thing being a part of the child’s life, no matter how brief.